Thursday, September 30, 2010

Little Piece Of Shit

As if Willow Smith's trip to Milan fashion week was gonna slip by me that easily!
As you all know by now, the root of all evil is Jada and her melting face but sadly her child (Will's face on a 9yr old female) has been dragged into the shitfest. The story goes like this; Willow released a song, got signed by Jay-Z, and now wants to be a fashionista. Because commissioning a Mexican seamstress to junk together a bunch of Jada's hand-me-downs is the recipe for fashion success. Never has garbage complimented a 9yr old so well.
Poor Kylie has been dragged into the gargling mess, resulting in an image that is somewhere between 3 deities from heaven and 3 runaway Romanian clowns.

And just so we know who to blame, refer to Satan-in-a-hat (as pictured above) and whisper the c word at your computer.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Romania Calling

So facebook had to pull me aside, look me in the eye, and ask some very personal questions. All because apparently my account has experience a bit of action in a country called... Romania. In the end I had to reset a bunch of shit and set a security question. Sadly the 'have you ever lost a toenail' option wasn't there this time, instead they want to know more intimate details than what they could discover should they check my inbox. At least I now know facebook has got a 12 year old work experience intern in charge of their security sector.

Am I Meant To Know?

So above is some friendly net add, but I'm finding it really confusing. I don't know which lady is smarter, but I do know answering the question will certainly prove me smarter than them both combined.

On another note, I'm waiting for Dan Brown to write a thriller about these two, and how they are the modern day Caesar and Brutus. Obviously Jen is the one that go the raw deal in the end. Poor Jen, poor poor Jen.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Definitive Beauty?

Once upon a time the planets trashy fantasy girl was called Pammy Anderson, nowadays hormonal & disgruntled teens are leaning about their sexuality via Kim Kardashian, and the repressed sexual tension that is Twilight. I just wanna winge about Kim. Firstly I love a fame whore, and people being more famous for their low IQs than any obvious skills. These people are deities in a world overpopulated with normal, smart types.. aka Hemorrhoid Granger. But lately I'm having afew healthy probs with Kim's face; me smells a rat! I know she's in a polygamous relationship with the plastic surgeons of the Wood, but I'm thinking she's crossed the line from 'prettay lady' to 'does it move'. Now all I see are some slimy puffed lips, a botox-lowered brow, a sleep-with-a-peg-on-it nose, which has all been topped with a permanent layer of wind shield, sun resistant, house paint. Lets be friends!

One Person That Is Coming To Heaven With Me:

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It's Gonna Be The Best Xmas Ever!

Somewhere in the recycling bin Mimi has found a handful of pics. Combined with her otherworldly collage skills she's created an album cover for her upcoming Xmas tunez cd. While Mimi appears to be in tip top shape, I can't dismiss the real star of the cover; frosty, who is my new fashion inspiration. Look out for green gloves, nudity and black lipstick.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Monday, September 20, 2010

Not In This Lifetime Creep

Rihanna has just got herself out of a 8 hour standoff with 2 Tibetan runaways. They had cornered the singer and were trying to trade her wig (a priceless Tibetan treasure no doubt) for 2 mount franklin bottles filled with rice and a pair of shoes woven from goat hair. The hostage situation resolved itself when Riri was able to bargain them down to giving her just the hairy shoes in exchange for her maroon (a lucky colour) g-banger. The Tibetans ran away, one wearing the g across her face while the other performed Pon De Replay on a traditional shell trumpet.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

A Lil' Big Mistake

This is messy. Kim's been all over the joint with all kinds of bullshit this year. Her consistent decline almost hit a low when she met Aussie suprstar Am8er, but somehow she keeps dropping, lower and lower. As is obvious her face has become the real diva that is simply impossible to work with. Ask it to play sexy for a photo shoot and in rebuttal it will deliver the same face Anna Nicole Smith is pulling RIGHT NOW.

Saturday, September 18, 2010


So the worlds most beloved gal, Khloe Kardashian (fuck Kim and Kortney... boo) posted some sexy snaps on her blog and watch as some creeps get all 'i wuv woo' in her face.
Hope you can read that because it's more fucked that that internet video of some eastern european girl throwing newborn puppies in a river.

Good on you, your 13, your really aiming high with those dreams of yours. Shithole.

Gimmie That Kid

Fashions aside (they are a bit wtf, but it's Gwen so I'll 'like' anything) the real star is Kingston. I pray to all my deities (Nicki, Gaga, Bey) that whatever labia shoots out my first born they bring with them the greatness of Kingston. Amen, oh la la.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Today Facebook Is Selling Me...

I'd rather just get lost en route.

Anyone You Know?

Sayin My Daily Prayers To Nicki

How could I ever be a church goer?

I found my God and I'm sticking to her like a stamp on a letter.

That Idiot

For some reason Teri has slipped into her whale skin and taken to the ocean. She's floundered around with a bunch of drowning 50+ beach goers and felt fitter than ever in the process.
Teri wowed the crowd with her tight buns and loose chimp lips.

4 hours and 2 lifeguard rescues later and Teri is back on dry land, merrily cleaning the cloggy ocean snot out of the snake slits at the base of her 'glue-me-on' nose. Just to think they told her she's never make it!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Lets Weight This Up

So Elle (what a stupid name for a magazine, why didn't they just opt for Taurus or something astrological) put out 4 covers because they had a few extra design interns and some C grade celebs that couldn't sell the thing alone.
First up is the pretty bitch that is famous for being our current pin-up for 'close to genetically immaculate'. Besides the face she's not got much else we wanna know, what I'm actually saying is Destroy The Face and she'll join you and me in normaldom.
Next is the very casual LC, who has absolutely nothing I want to know about, so I've got absolutely nothing to type about. I'll opt for my usual; Fuck Off.
Speaks for itself...

The bland chick thats doing the rounds at the moment. Great. Was nice of them to generously photoshop 1 boob in. Maybe next year if she's lucky they'll give her 3.

Overall, you wont be buying Elle anytime soon. And if I've taught you anything today it's that 4 C listers does not a magazine sell. Go forth and use this lesson in your lives, it's more applicable than you'd thing if only you look outside the square.

Do You Think They Know?

Even facebook has cottoned on to some of the most exposing facts of my life and are now advertising them right back to me. I don't know what to do or who it was that told them I'd buy 100 Gaga t-shirts if only given the pay-pal option.

Can I Have Your Number?

Sources (the left side of my brain) are claiming that amongst Gaga's many suiters (Muppets, gay men and the whole of Russia) is a man called Jared Leto. He got as close as her mountain of fabric would let him get at the VMAs the other night and sources (my right ear lobe) are suggesting he could be looking to become Mr. Gaga within months. Gaga's people (the freckle on my neck) have spilled that if he were to wed to popular singer an unorthodox cyber-interactive wedding should be expected, where the worlds of Skype, Twitter, Grindr and Mariah Carey's perfume website all come together in one sentimental ceremony.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

She May Play With Chainsaws...

M.I.A. was looking hella adoptable the other night; chillin in her regular baggies, but pulling some sugar with a face like a chipmunk'ette. Nice to see her leaving her pots, pans, and digital beatz at home and being a regular pretty bitch.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Cute Shit

I realized I haven't posted mindless cute animal pix in ages, so when I found these cotton buds with faces I couldn't resist.
I sometimes get sad that certain species haven't joined cats and dogs in the domesticated animals category. How do you domesticate an animal anyway? I'l do it myself. Tie an apron on a koala?

So soft and fluffy.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Some MUST KNOW facts

Basically she can't play with her own genitals without me knowing (FYI it was her decision to tell) so it's no surprise I'm on the case when this one does anything;
First up she's been to bikram yoga! The scandal!

Secondly she's cut her fav yellow wig into a bob - and I thought long hair was coming back in a big way?? Guess the wind has changed once more. This explains the queue outside justcuts and the army of yellow haired bobs marching out.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Keira's Ride To Nowhere

I'm told Chanel has something to do with this but I still beg to differ.
Keira has got all matchy matchy in some camel colour and thrown her good leg over a nameless wheeled mechanical device.
What Keira didn't see was the Mario Kart her ride was attached too, and also the remnants of Bowser beneath her.
Eventually she rolled off backwards, walked for a while then went to the supermarket and bought (as described by onlookers) new mop heads, a frozen pea/corn combo bag and salt reduced butter.

Birthday Present Idea; Hint Hint!

Its still afew months away but are these not the perfect gift to give?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

You Sure Look Different

Have you ever walked into a room and not recognized a friend (or worse family member) because their fucken silhouette is so fucken different? I know Ozzys pretty slow on the uptake so I'm worried how a reshaped Kelly O will be recognised by her jittery old Pop. What I'm really trying to say is I preferred the previous untamed, pink haired, brat outta hell. I guess she's 'healthier' and 'happier' now, but whatever...

Monday, September 6, 2010

Not A Bad Idea, Not A Bad Idea At All...

Be Mine

I'm currently midway through plans to kidnap a celebrity child and make it my own. After trawling the net I've narrowed it down to 2 highly likable choices.
Gwen better up the security at her LA home if she doesn't want me slipping through the screen door and running of with Kingston. I'll take Zuma if my net will fit him too. My plan involves dressing as a neighborly harajuku girl and telling them that I'm just there to talk Jap street fashion and fragrances. Just imagine... that could be me in an oversized hat in that pool.

Second on my list is the heavenly sent Nahla Ariela Aubry. Halle should look into a chunky security guard because it's gonna be difficult to get Nahla out of the cage I'm having custom made to catch her. And for my disguise I'll be dressed as the talented local cornrow artist.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

In Love And Light VB XX

So afew days ago, Victoria Beckham joined twitter as 'vbfashionweek' to help promo London fashion week. So far all she's done is sign of every single tweet with 'in love and light VB xxx' - she's done this 5 times now, must be her thing, just like saying Fuck No is my thing.

More importantly her first twitpic is the above picture where she introduces us to the adorable Coco Beckham, complete with pink ribbon and red toe nails. So cute, aka Fuck No.

Thanx Khole

If you didn't know the Kardashians are actually the tightest sisterhood on the globe. So when Khloe misses Kim its only natural for her to post over a dozen snaps from the families albums.
The time they learnt to pout like The Veronicas.
The time Khloe fell asleep on Kim's pudding.
Sex ed.

The time Khloe drugged Kim then left her in the sun for 3 days. Lol