Tear...

So as you already know, I have no control or say in where I end up when surfing (we still call it surfing?) the net. What I mistake for checking my emails turns into a full blown investigation to work out what Bec Hewitt's uterus is doing. Sometimes I just want to pop by Perez and I end up researching a diet based on corn. I don't know why, I do know I'm happily withering away in the process. My overall point for this rant is to lead into the following picture. Somehow I ended up voting for the ARIA awards. Let it be known I would rather vote in a 'which tampon are you' contest than go to the ARIA homepage. But to contradict myself; I'll try anything once, twice, daily, hourly... repeat until fade.

And what a selection Australia has turned out. If these chart toppers don't make me a proud Australian then I guess it's time to immigrate. Aka charter the boat, get me out. I can honestly nit-pick this bullshit, starting from Brain McFadden (ISNT HE IRISH?!) to the kick-in-the-nuts that is a DOUBLE serving of Guy Sebastian AND the clown without the makeup - Vanessa Amorosi. I ended up voting for the We Speak No Americano, primarily because it's the only one that tickled my cold heart, and secondly because it hints at America - AKA the home of Gaga, Beyonce, Madonna and that heavenly lot of ladies. God bless America... anything to save me from an oversized handful of Australian Idol infestations and that filthy folk Miller-Heidke fuckwit.

Nature Is A Silly Bitch

So if you woke up today, saw the grey sky, and a plastic bag stuck around a penguins neck, let me remind you that there is beauty yet in this world! Example 1;

Baby cockatoo, can't believe Sanrio hasn't picked up this guy as the next Hello Kitty. The only thing cuter would be this guy with a metallic pink bow atop that adorable bald head.

Owww sugar! this is some deflated rare shark business, so go get rid of your teddy bears and the old cat you love so much. Time to invest in something really glam and sexy. It doubles as both a halloween prop, a toilet plunger and if your really game... a Melbourne Cup hat. I use mine as an ipod case and a substitute for the adorable child I never birthed. Mawwwww

A Resolution!

So Alicia Keys reproduced, birthed Egypt and is now enjoying the complimentary joys. Heres her rant about rediscovering the human ear and some insightful words about heartbeats;

Every moment is beautiful; delicious even! Every moment I’m learning and living in a way I never have before. Being present in a way I never have before. Existing in moments I never have before.

Never have I felt so calm, so purposeful in taking the time to truly observe the world around me, to live in it fully and watch it, discuss it, put time toward it. It feels really incredible – so peaceful, so complete and long overdue.

I’m grown, I’m confident, I’m secure, and so blessed to be these things.

I’m most enamored with anatomy at this point. The miracle of the human body. The ability to create all these small amazing machines of veins, capillaries, digestive systems, eyes, ears and noses. I can spend HOURS looking at one little EAR! Have u ever noticed how complex just an ear is? A tiny maze of art. It may sound silly but it’s so true. Or a heartbeat? Everyday we wake up and in some way, take for granted the fact that this beautiful pulsating organ in our body is the reason, and yet now that’s all I can think of…

And breath; invisible as it may be, how necessary!

Ain’t it true that things we really can’t see are of the greatest importance?

I’ve never seen a more beautiful face in my LIFE! The most perfect eyes and beautiful nose, the sweetest lips and skin so soft and kissable!

Never have I felt such disbelief, such awe, humility, godliness, such strength, power and possibility.

I’ve never believed in greatness and the never ending Higher Power more than now!

And I can’t believe he’s mine!

Oooh! I feel a song coming on…

Every moment is beautiful; delicious even! Every moment I’m learning and living in a way I never have before. Being present in a way I never have before. Existing in moments I never have before.

Never have I felt so calm, so purposeful in taking the time to truly observe the world around me, to live in it fully and watch it, discuss it, put time toward it. It feels really incredible – so peaceful, so complete and long overdue.

I’m grown, I’m confident, I’m secure, and so blessed to be these things.

I’m most enamored with anatomy at this point. The miracle of the human body. The ability to create all these small amazing machines of veins, capillaries, digestive systems, eyes, ears and noses. I can spend HOURS looking at one little EAR! Have u ever noticed how complex just an ear is? A tiny maze of art. It may sound silly but it’s so true. Or a heartbeat? Everyday we wake up and in some way, take for granted the fact that this beautiful pulsating organ in our body is the reason, and yet now that’s all I can think of…

And breath; invisible as it may be, how necessary!

Ain’t it true that things we really can’t see are of the greatest importance?

I’ve never seen a more beautiful face in my LIFE! The most perfect eyes and beautiful nose, the sweetest lips and skin so soft and kissable!

Never have I felt such disbelief, such awe, humility, godliness, such strength, power and possibility.

I’ve never believed in greatness and the never ending Higher Power more than now!

And I can’t believe he’s mine!

Oooh! I feel a song coming on…

Every moment is beautiful; delicious even! Every moment I’m learning and living in a way I never have before. Being present in a way I never have before. Existing in moments I never have before.

Never have I felt so calm, so purposeful in taking the time to truly observe the world around me, to live in it fully and watch it, discuss it, put time toward it. It feels really incredible – so peaceful, so complete and long overdue.

I’m grown, I’m confident, I’m secure, and so blessed to be these things.

I’m most enamored with anatomy at this point. The miracle of the human body. The ability to create all these small amazing machines of veins, capillaries, digestive systems, eyes, ears and noses. I can spend HOURS looking at one little EAR! Have u ever noticed how complex just an ear is? A tiny maze of art. It may sound silly but it’s so true. Or a heartbeat? Everyday we wake up and in some way, take for granted the fact that this beautiful pulsating organ in our body is the reason, and yet now that’s all I can think of…

And breath; invisible as it may be, how necessary!

Ain’t it true that things we really can’t see are of the greatest importance?

I’ve never seen a more beautiful face in my LIFE! The most perfect eyes and beautiful nose, the sweetest lips and skin so soft and kissable!

Never have I felt such disbelief, such awe, humility, godliness, such strength, power and possibility.

I’ve never believed in greatness and the never ending Higher Power more than now!

And I can’t believe he’s mine!

Oooh! I feel a song coming on…

Do you buy it?

Because Kids Need Airbrushing

Ppfffff bitch plz

Gaga's London Look

Gags has been in London for a while because her Paris shows got cancelled cos some irrelevant riot, so she's been working out her grey wig with some black spray paint on it.

Hair, leather, blah blah blah. Are we even surprised anymore. Maybe she needs my fingernails to turn into a hat? Not edgy enough....

Dragging a dead limb around can really slow a day down:

Sus

There is something transexual going on here, and the hats not helping.

Halloween

There is no doubt that every man and his dog are dressing as Gaga this halloween, but which Gaga? Sure the dog is happy to go as Meat Dress, but what are the rest of us thinkin? Here's my current inspiration:

Fergie: 'Im So 4008'

What was originally a rap/soul group is now the pinnacle for bullshit digibeats and autotuned rants about technology. Sure I like the cute new album cover but sharpen your blades because the lead single is a musical massacre, another soundtrack for suicide - to add to my playlist of Maroon 5.

2010's Answer To The Brady Bunch

The talentless fuckfest that calls itself Kardashian continues to parade around sponsored events, airports and fat free food chains. It's a sad day when they wheel our your birthday cake and it's got a logo on the side. I wouldn't say you've sold your soul to the devil, but I'd say there is definitely a price on everything from the walls of your uterus to the trust between you and your own mother... Yowch... Who am I kidding... I love these fuckheads and I'm the one that would pay to smell their hair and get them to sign my boobs.

Who Dat!?

So I love a cheeky monkey, and M.I.A. is no exception. You couldn't try to explain this as 'political' to me because I'm to chuffed at the apparent fun timez.

Some finger action. Whatta rebel...

Bouncin round the stage like shes the missing 5th teletubby.

Keep Driving

My version of this would be alot more violent... my legs poking out the window while I pull myself in... screaming "I'll follow you until you luv meeeee". Gags would be defenselessly hitting my with her officer hat and I'd have to cry to avoid prison... tell her I think of her as a mother or something tastelessly concerning.

Miss E Out & About

So there was some event called Black Girls Rock or something, where all my homegirls performed and fluffed around in a venue for afew healthy hours.

Missy was handed some award that she'll be sure to plow her back yard with.

Heres Ciara giving Miss the award...

And here they are having a party mo together later. Who do you find sexier because I'm leaning towards Miss, for obvious reasons (the hair).

And because nobody can leave their bedrooms without running into a Kardashian these grim days, Kim was within arms length, smiling, dancing and blowing something.

It Cometh!

November 22nd

The freaky nu shit!

Minaj Fever!

So sexcited for Nicki's album! Im gonna buy the physical thing and everything, and if I don't like it I will alter my brain to love it.

About Right...

The internet (who can blame it... it cares) is obsessed with the idea of finding me a date. I can never seem to harmlessly go about my business without the slight suggestion to meet a woman, or 'start flirting today'. All ironies aside, today's beautiful woman was certainly not the trim Russian I've been saving for. The ad was more an offer to meet a sleazy looking Columbian couple for a 'chat now'. Had this pair been the guaranteed creeps on skype, I would have been more willing to 'chat now' and give them a taste of my very own raised eyebrow, skin imperfections, and hungry eyes.

The Art Edition... Or Some Shit

So while I'm open to the idea of there being a post-postmodern form of art, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Kim's dropped her dacks again and exploited the few talents her name has to offer. But because she's done it for Art's sake, this time its OK to show the images to your kids.

The infamous arse even Sir Mix-a-Lot had second thoughts over.

So do we like or do we hate? Biologically confused?

My final verdict is that I like Kim, not as much as Khloe obviously. I give her credit for lingering like the smell of fish long after her dairy's expiry date, and give her more credit for finding new aspects of her bland self to sell to us. She is both a beautiful rare gem and an off cut of whore who likes a needle in between her eyes and a dick in her left hand... all whilst a boom microphone hangs within volumes reach.

......

Are you watching the Commonwealth Games cos I'm sure as hell not.

Hey Mimi

So Mimi hosted her hubbys 30th the other night. The love filled occasion went smoothly without too much to chit chat about, hence the blogosphere is left twittering shit about the potential litter she's growing.

Bun in the oven? Tadpoles found their way upstream? rubbed your gennys together 9 months ago? Reproducing much?

Scientists, Biologists, Mathematicians, Astrologers; we're all reading the shady 'cover da hump' body language and getting excited for an infant with cheeks like tennis balls (from Mum).

Plz Mimi tell us your gonna shoot one out sometime, and don't forget to call it Glitter, Lavender, Fantasy and/or Lamb.

Lil' Kim Watch

So Kim (in the middle?) has been smoozing around town and doing everything except that which made her famous. Aka she's at the opening of a convenience store... any reason to get out of bed I guess. Beats sitting around watching the Commonwealth Games.

The fashionz are looking good. I've got no hate towards butterflies, pink, and my friendly substances from the artificial world. Life is good.

Cuties!

Real Significant

So google is no stranger to putting out a themed banner for any cheap occasion. But what the fuck are we celebrating today? WHAT?!?!!?!? I can not begin to puzzle this one together, although to the peeps at Google (or those in the know) this is probably some really obvious occasion. Dah it's international suck your own dick day!

Grl On Grl

Use the tongue Gwennie!

Real Significant

Gaga always winds up next to some kind of living legend type. Yoko's just happy to have a big nosed, long haired, circular spec owning, musical personality next to her again.

Winnin'

The ballsiest bitch in the game won heaps o' BET awards the other night. She celebrated by roaring around the stage and eating a dead zebra.

Sighted, Seen, Spotted,

Dont think you can even answer the phone without me knowing... I got chu.

Wassup Witchu

Sadly hitting 50 was the dawn of becoming a practical joke for poor Madonna. A whole new generation is at it's prime and all they've seen is a whole lotta wrinkle and heard the nasal voice of a drowning corpse singing 4 Minutes.

And if your a fan of a good spot-the-difference, see if you can tell the above image apart from the one below. Helpful Hint; the REAL Madonna is wearing a black top.

What is she to you? The bitch that sung Hanky Panky or the vulture that keeps her uterus intact with a paperclip?