I Spy Tina Knowels!

29 years later and still Tina keeps close on the heels of her bill payer.

Tina Tina Tinaaaaaaa! Surely shes going to the oversized luggage collection to pick up her sewing machine and infamous roll of beige fabric; she's got this idea for a bodysuit that would look great...

The Latest News!

Firstly this was really exciting. As if a cold splash of water isn't exciting. More importantly is the pale pink nip slip, which has baby calfs worldwide hungry for Lohan. And even more importantly, (because fashion is like air to the malnourished under-confident internet population) are Lohan's accessories for the situation. We've got some of that timeless turquoise plastic coral shit, which although the scum of the beading community, is a must for any tan blonde on a sandy surface. Next we've got a holy cross ring - hot - because nothing is more relevant than an outdated religion that is now the bread and butter of fashionista cattle. Top this look off with some bangles (a gift from the designer) and a pair of sunglasses - worn in the waves as a metaphor for Lindsay's resilience to her ever challenging surroundings. Overall she's hit an 8.5/10 in my fashion critique, some regrowth would have got her a 9, and another 2 weeks in the sun to darken her freckles will push things to a 10.

In other breaking news a monkey hugged a pigeon and I love it. I wont send money to many charities but if someone will start a program to domesticate the monkey I'm keen to give away 10% of my earnings.

So while the Spice Girls have transitioned into their watered down current selves (The Porridge Girls?) we can still worship girl groups knowing that Destiny's Child could potentially still play the part. That is if Tina Knowles (dah dum!) still has another 600 metres of her infamous flesh toned fabric (1 million metres for 20 bucks when Beyonce was born - who's laughing!) to craft the girls more 1 shouldered, high necked, backless bodysuits. Also a massive hurdle to their reformation is Kelly's longer hair, if she's to play the part (and help us tell them apart) we'll need it to be 5cm long with red tips. Non negotiable. And Michelle... well I hear Ciara is out of work - nobody will know, and those that do will be the same ones that know where she's buried.

Hot Looks From The Met Ball

So they do this thing every year and it NEVER fails to amuse. It's like the Oscars on steroids - with every stylist in town locked in a dungeon somewhere.

Riri continues the evolution of her hair. Gaga may be able to reinvent daily, but NOBODY works a wack red mop like the Only girl in the world.

Solange continues to chase the illusive theme of 'the future'. Without too much aluminium foil she's convincing me that We Are Not Alone. She's also getting good use out of Kelly Rowland's old face.

Straight from the hospital (surely?) this junkie has managed to staple her face back and is really working the hell out of an old $10 Salvos bridal dress. A painted on cleavage and punched face never looked so amusing.

This troll has decided polyester satin is the height of sophistication but kept her look 'youthful' by adding a faux baby bump (4 steamed cauliflowers and you'll bloat your way to twins). Timeless, ageless and biologically impossible (repeat 3 times every morning and night).

With a long list of talents to her name, Beyonce's skills have let her down at the stairs (again! - the invite said ground floor only!!! ergh!!) But luckily 2 immigrants were able to hoist the superstar up in full view of the paparazzi. 3, 2, 1, and lifffffffffft!

Beyonce's Burnt Face

Knowelsy has put her head too close to the fireplace for the last time!

A CHRISTMAS WISHLIST MUST!

I pray.

Beyonce - Being Rich - Part 6

So Beyonce's been jettin all over this flat (I refuse to believe it's round) earth of ours.

Popping into hot sexy expensive locations, Monaco or some shit.

Mad glam babe onna boat. ROYALTY.

Pulling a P!nk - showing a sporty athletic side. Givin us a cheeky smile in the process too.

Then just now she's re-appeared in NYC chillin backstage at the Lauryn Hill seance. Yes a hat is a lifesaver when you find your wig getting slippery on your forehead. Smart.

Hey Girl!

Beyonce's little half year time out is still on, but she still like to help her mumsy out with afew sexy pix for that doggy line of rags they sell.

Stick on tats are a must.

No surprise 'the future' is back on the inspiration list.

Holla at ya gurl!

Heyyyyy

Who could resist a friendly spread eagle?!

Get Me A Gilded Frame

This is really fun.

Give Us A Kiss!

Do you sometimes feel related to this one because she's just such a permanent fixture in your life? Daily check; breakfast, bus, work, lunch, poopies, sit down, nap, food, telly, and Beyonce!!!!!!!!!

Night Out

Beyonce/Sasha ditched her make up and took her man to the musical Chicago to celebrate their second anniversary. Being richer than any of you will ever be (in this life and the next 5 lives - combined) the sexy pair went backstage and hung out with the creeps from the show.

Nothing But The News

Omgie!!! Beyonce has a bro - the genetic kind!!!

Papa Knowels had an 18 month affair, knocked up a certain Alexsandra Wright, and as of Feb 4 (now confirmed in a DNA thing) has a baby kid they named Nixon. Holy fuck! A kid called Nixon!??!!??!?!?! He's the brand nu bro to Beyonce (28) and Solange (23) - do you think the sisters grim will want anything to do with him??! You'd be sad if you had some smokin rich sister (called Beyonce Giselle Knowels) who didn't dosh on you. This is fucken juicy!

Sadly Mamma Knowels (AKA The Talented Tina) has divorced her hubby of 30 years - making Baby Nixon, yeps that'll kill the love.

A. Keys - Are We Fans?

Here we have some carrot top, also known as Mamma Keys (yes Alicia is a halfie), we've got Alicia, then we've got Swiss Beats (who Alicia is dating, but he was married when they met - shared merch) and then we've got some Busta Rhymes/Flo Rider hybrid. It's one of them I'm sure...

Alicia is on tour in the US at the moment, and pissed off the unlucky fans who bought tickets to any show either than her Madison Square Garden show in NYC - by bringing out Beyonce (aka the Matriarch of Hip Hop AND Pop music at the moment). The two acted friendly, sung a song together and proved who's better.

No surprise Beyonce's hips won out. Old songbird Alicia had to practice her booty roll in the mirror twice as hard that night.

So Jay Z and Beyonce finally cleared a night in a schedule that looked messier than Lindsay Lohans skin complexion and decided to dine with Barack Obz. Bey bought along her newly single mum (hint hint) and Jay bought some other dudes you wont care about. The whole charade was an amazing success and Tina Knowels will shortly announce she is the new first lady of America!

Fun timez!

Who Cares If They Like Eachother - Let's Talk INCOME$

These guys could pay you to kill yourself for the right price.

But what attracts them to each-other most? It's known she's a hottie and he's a nottie, but are we buying that they actually love eachother?

Sure the body language is there, and they can yack about music for afew boring hours... maybe they both love being rich and that's their thing? I'm only finally convinced they like eachother simply because who didn't love Destiny's Child?!!?!

Knowelsing Around, With Tina, Bey, Michelle & Solange @ Beyonce's HEAT Fragrance Launch

Things are actually getting greedy in the Knowels fam. Seriously when you make 80 mill a year and just got 6 grammys, you don't need to try the whole perfume bullshit to pay your bills.

And fucken stop pretending to like Michelle! You don't need to because NOBODY even liked her in the first place.

And this bitch! too kind giving her bald ass a DJ set; B'TCH PLZZ!

Real Hairz

Here's something I needa drop 2 cents on; natural hair and lettin it out. It's been a long time baby.

So does this mean she's usually embarrassed of her zany mop?

I'm a fan, even if she prefers to keen it under a swimming cap covered in Russian peasant hair.

I Still Can't Tell Which One Is Beyonce

While I still can't recognise which one is Beyonce (Tina woulda put her up front right?), I can definitely spot Kelly Rowland and her $10 boys cut from a heafty mile away.

I Am... Isis Fierce

For some (Tina Knowles related) reason, Beyonce went for a tour of the Giza plateau when she was skippin by Egypt. Of corse she got some Egypt big gun to talk spinxy with her and she tut tut'ed back. Unfortunately he didn't like her arse, abused her in arab and the meet 'n' greet was ova.

Fun notes; she wore metallic lipstick just to make Cleopatra's spirit majorly jealous/pissed - because they didnt have no Lorel lip sparkle back then ... heck you'd be lucky if someone would grind up an old rock so you could get some coloured shit to line your mouth.

Another Night Out For B

Dressmakers of the world (and the official Tina Knowels Sweatshop) got another months work in making a whole lotta dress for Beyonce to workout in at the EMAs. B started the night in more of that futuristic crap that ticks the criteria; robotic, metallic, tight, and angular. Whoop.
She then plastered herself to a silky wall and performed Sweet Dreams. Sure B felt sexy, but Tina must have felt sexy watching her offspring get cosy in this.
B then got into her smooze and booze look for a shoulder rub with The Shak. They conversed about whatever it was they meant by a beautiful liar, then did tequila shots off eachother's navels. The Shak woke up the next day with a red ring around her belly, but is pretty sure it's not put a ringworm on it - cos its just B's leftovers.
B also got too cosy with a mysterious man people believe to be her sponsor child.
She also picked up an award. Literally, she put her wrist around it - and picked the thing up.

Divas 4 Halloween

Riri went as a tiger. 3/10 babe.
Beyonce went as spidermanwoman. 7/10
Xtina went as a skeleton with matching child. Pretty cute - 4/10